i could end this all tonight
by rhian.ridingpowell
Summary: With Robin and Charlie out of town, Don doesn't know where to go or what to do when his case goes bad. warning:mention of cutting
1. Chapter

It was 2:00am and Don was just leaving the office not knowing where to drive, Robin was in New York and Charlie was still in England, his dad wouldn't be awake, he just had to go home. He remembered what his mom told him just before she died 'never let the job get the best of you' she used to worry about him, he used to think she was just over reacting but lately it started to make sense to him about the job, especially days like these, the days that someone is killed because if him, on his orders. As he walked into his apartment he headed straight to his bedroom stripping of his blood stained clothes and changed into his sweats, his F.B.I jumper which was 2 sizes to big and his baseball cape, he went to get a beer and laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. He hated the silence so he turned on his music, Robin's CD was in the player and he recognized the song, it was the theme to M.A.S.H

_'Cause suicide is painless_ _It comes with many changes_ _And I can take or leave it if I please.'_

As much as he loved Robin he hated her music so he soon switched it of a just laid on the couch trying to sleep but the screams filled his head, the screams of the children who died at the fire fight that day, Dob couldn't sleep the guilt filled his head so he turned on the TV and to his misfortune it was the story on the new with the title on the screen 'three kids killed on the streets of LA' and saw his teams picture on the screen at the scene the previous day and as soon as he heard his name he shut the TV off, he couldn't do with the guilt, after lying on the floor he finally dozed off.

"Me...two minutes...it was me" Don was talking in his sleep again and he woke when the sound of screaming filled his head, 'it was just a dream' he thought to himself he checked his clock it was only 3:30, his breathing was heavy, he heard the screams in his head, he ran to the bathroom and splashed water on his face "you could never have known" he told himself but he just slid down the wall, it was every night now, he realised how sometimes he hated his job, the times he didn't come on top, the times innocent people lost their lives and he was helpless to them. He pulled up his sleeves to cool himself down, he saw the scars on his wrist and closed his eyes and his brain flashed back 15 years,

- _just after Charlie's first day of high school all the family came over to see how charlie did, he wanted to ask his dad about a baseball tour his team where going on that year "hey dad"_

_"Don get dressed out of you baseball stuff" his dad yelled "charlie come here for a minute" he said softer_

_"But dad I just need to get you sig..."_

_"Not now Don" he snapped_

_"But dad I just.."_

_"Go away Don" Alan yelled, Don ran up the stairs to his room and threw his cap on his bed and slide down the wall_

_**'the same way he felt that night'**_

_He looked at his desk and saw his razor_

**_'he remembered the thoughts going though his head_**

_'who would even miss me, mum and dad would finally only have to care for charlie, my friends wouldn't miss me, and my baseball is going down hill anyway'_ _He remembered picking up the blade and placing it on his wrist first making little slits side by side he soon heard a soft voice "Donnie I got you..."_

- It took him a minute to get back to the current time but he remembered the feeling of his wrist the calmness through his body and the adrenaline pumping through his blood, he stood up and looked through his cupboard when he found his razor he just sat on floor staring at his wrist placing the blade against his skin, he was alone, just waiting for someone to save him, but they didn't, so he cut, never deep enough to die but deep enough to hear the screaming inside. His phone rang and he thought to himself 'I could end this all today'


	2. Chapter 2

His phone rang again and again each time the blade pushing further down in his skin until it started to bleed his phone rang again he stood up and tried to turn it of but then he saw the caller ID it wasn't Colby ringing about work but to Dons surprise it was Robin he dropped the blade and answered the phone "hey" he said trying to sound as happy as he could

"Hey I'm at the airport now I'll be there in half an hour" It took Don about a minute to proses what she had said "Don are you there"

"Yeah yeah I'm here and that's good I'll be ready" Don didn't even think to ask why she was home already and he just hung up the phone, 'shit what have I done' he said looking at the blood marks on his jumper and the cuts down his left arm, he quickly got dressed into another jumper and put a bandaid around his arm 'no one can ever know' he sternly thought to himself he knew that if anyone he would get reported for sure.

He put his favourite movie in the player and got a beer for himself and glass of wine for Ronin and was sitting waiting for her to get to the there.

"I'm home" Robin announced as she walked into see Don lying on the bed eyes glued to the screen

"Hey" hey he said forcing a smile knowing he had to convince her he was fine "how come you back so soon?" He asked as she sat down next to him

"Colby called told me about the case, I'm so sorry" she said hugging him

"Thanks but a call would have been good enough, you didn't have to leave New York, that case is massive" he stated laying his head onto the pillow but secretly more than pleased she was there

"Yeah and I'll go back on Monday but I didn't want you to do anything stupid" she stroked his hair and stood up to get dressed

"Thanks" he said but all he could think was 'it's to late now' and looked down at his wrist noticing blood soaking through the band aid, he quickly stood up and went to change it luckily Robin was to tired to notice anything odd Don did that night.

They laid on the bed until 5:00 until Don was sure Robin was asleep he unwrapped his arms from around her and stood up to stretch his body, he walked into his favourite room in the world, he looked at all the pictures of him, he saw the best picture for the situation his parents him and Charlie at the beach when Don was 8 and charlie was three, back when his biggest problem was that he couldn't spell the extra word on his test, he walked around the room observing all the pictures until he reached his favourite, it was him and Robin at Christmas at Charlie's him wearing his new reindeer jumper his dad had got him and Robin in her new black dress, they seemed to careless for once in their lives he felt his stomach turn a little. He walked to the piano he bought when he learnt he still wanted to play, he hadn't played it in a while he was to busy but he sat down and started to play his mothers piece and closed his eyes trying to remember all them years ago why he didn't just cut that little but deeper, why he didn't just stop the pain before it started but the answer never came. 


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Don was back at work pretending like nothing had happened "morning Boss" Nikki greeted her boss looking way to happy for Dons liking "Mornin'" he replied without even turning his head from the computer sounding much worse than he intended to "Hey Don look who's on Skype" Colby called Don into the war room and as he walked in he saw a familiar face it was Ian, "Oh Epps you look like shit" Ian said laughing not knowing how he would react Don gave a slight smile "well that's the difference between our jobs isn't it, you chasing bad guys in mountains and I have to stop bastards killing innocent people" "Wow, must have been a bad case then" Ian saw the look in Dons eyes, he knew something was wrong but knew he wouldn't even tell him he asked him When Don didn't answer Colby jumped in "yeah it was horrible, went for an arrest ended up in a massive firefight, three kids killed in the cross fire" Colby went on as Don walked out the room and sat back down at his desk and started filling out some paperwork. At about 3:00 Don and finished all his paperwork and had been handed no knew cases so turned to face Colby "hey Colb" he said trying yo sound upbeat again "Hey, u alright Don" "Yeah, fine" Don lied "I'm headed home" "Ok" Colby said but was confused, never before had Don gone home early from work but he just guessed as Robin was back he wanted to spend time with her. 


	4. Chapter 4

Robin walked in at around 5:00 to find Don asleep on the sofa, when she realised the band aid on his wrist, why hadn't he told her, he always tells her when he gets a graze or something, she noticed blood so she decided she better wake him so he could change it, when she tried to wake him he just groaned and moved slightly so she just decided to change it for him. When she saw the cuts it took her about a minuet to proses it, then it just lead to panic 'why, when, what should i do?' The questions filled her head, she was lawfully meant to report him to the F.B.I but she couldn't not Don, she just finished changing the band aid and sat down next to him waiting for him to wake up. When Don wake up his eyes went straight for Robin, he smiled but then he realised that she was staring at his wrist, he looked to where her eyes were pointing to realise it had been re dressed 'what the fuck am I suppose to do now, it's not like I can just say it was a bullet graze like Dad, she had seen the cuts' he just looked up at her, "Don, Why?" She asked in the softness voice she could "I'm sorry but I'm not doing this now, I can't" Don stood up grabbed his jacket and practically ran out the door, got on his bike and drove. Robin just got in her car and followed him, until they reached a cliff looking over LA when Don stopped and sat down looking over not even noticing Robin following him. "You're gonna report me aren't you?" Don was worried "I don't know Don it depends" Robin went to grab his hand "On what" "I have to know what's going on in your head Don, Why?" "Being a hero isn't all it's made up to be. There's no cheering crowd praising your heroic deeds. There's no attractive admirer to fall in love with and whisk away into the sunset. And there's certainly no happy ending. Life goes on, the same as before, and no one really notices the things you've done to bad outweighs the good. There will always be more evil to fight. Always. The lives you manage to save help to cope with the ones you've lost, the things you missed. The wrong choices you made at the wrong times. But nothing will ever change the fact that you can't win all the time. And it hurts." "Don, No one knows what to do all the time, and no one could ever expect every life to be saved." "But the other Night when you came home I realised it's not about gaining fame and glory and love for heroic deeds. Not falling in love and earning a happily ever after, but doing what you can do to help and hope the things you see every day won't ultimately break you. There are days I just want to curl up in their bed in my lonely little room and just stay there until the world becomes a less painful place to be. Wait on a world where guns were replaced by flowers and pain and insanity and murderers didn't exist. A world that could never be real. Being a hero isn't all it's made up to be. But even with the pain and guilt that lays heavily on my conscience, seeing the smiling faces of my big dysfunctional family looking so proud of what I do makes it all worth it. Their smiling faces are all worth it. That's what being a hero is You make it worth it" "Don, you have to know you are the best guy I know and that you always try do what is right" Robin held his hand "so why don't we go home and order some pizza and watch a movie" she suggested "Yeah" he smiled and stood up and gave Robin a massive hug That may of not been the last time Don cut but it was the last time he ever thought he was alone, like he had no one that was the last time he ever faced the world alone 


End file.
